Be freaky and multiply

According to Joy Willson of Book22.com, pray for better sex and God will show you the way (just no sodomy, please, that's a sin).

You just gotta love this report from NPR about sex toys for God's children. According to the good people at Book22.com, an online sex shop for Christians (exactly), thou shalt not be so puritan, prude or ashamed to do it --do it with joy, do it with toys!

According to the Bible (especially if you're interpreting it while horny) sex is a gift from God and we should really "know" what that means. Apparently it means edibles and jelly rings. Finally, a guiltless, Savior sancioned, God blessed sex shop for the rest of us who are sick and tired of hiding away the porn.

But the folks at Book22.com are like cyber missionaries so they have a few caveats of course: before you go shopping like crazy undersand that these products are intended for married couples only, and marriage is defined as a union between couples who can either prove that they are flesh of the same flesh or have proof of residency in Massachusetts.

This is better than Dr. Ruth or that old sex lady on Jay Leno. Co-founder Joy Wilson explains that none of the toys resemble human shapes because that would be idolotry and idolotry is adultry if you also love God. It'd also be weird and creepy and that would ruin the mood. She even warns in the small print that these products must not be used when giving into temptation or committing the five sexual sins: incest, prostitution, beastiality, fornication or homosexuality. As long as you get those activities out of your mind you're free to shop and you'll be screaming hallelujah in no time.

Song of Solomon is the 22nd book of the Old Testament, hence the name of the product line, so I just had to give it a read and yeah, no, don't recall them teaching us this stuff in Sunday School. It reads like erotique noire. Solomon and his black fetish object Sheba go back and forth counting the ways...

[1:4] "The king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee" (got it, so doing it upright is better than wine, okay let me keep reading)

[4:5] "Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies" (gotta use that line)

[6:8-9] "There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her" (okay so he chooses her above all these other women in his chamber, what a guy)

[7:7-10] This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak. I am my beloved', and his desire is toward me" (okay you two, we get it).

The fun doesn't stop there, Joy keeps a blog too which is very sweet.